A gift from my abusers
Updated: Feb 3
I carry a tremendous power within me, an internal darkness, a shadow. I have no other words to describe how I experience the world around me.
A gift from the matriarchs in my family, I will never know if they carried this same darkness, if it was a projection, or I alone was born with it. Perhaps it is within the scope of the nature versus nurture debate. It is, at this point, moot.
Regardless of the origin, I was treated differently than the others in my family, I remember the barren feeling as a young child, I was invisible mostly, until I wasn’t…
I was a burden, a mistake, wrong and I carry it still.
As an adult within the years of middle age, one does not just dust themselves off and “become whole” when the elder women that were one’s caregivers demonize a child.
It is a daily fight, this burden, at times an all-consuming fire.
Love turns to ash as it touches me.
But I am not their burden now, the women who couldn’t see me.
I am my own, MINE.
It is, this burden, a shelter from the dust of decades.
I am fucking Immortal now, untouchable, unseen, I shimmer and shift through the lives of mortals.
Now you see me, now you don’t.
To be invisible is a respite from the burden of being a demon in the eyes of those who you would care for. If unseen one cannot be problematic or strange.
I fear those who can see me are like me;
They too are thinned by the grating subtle abuse of the ages.
They are the Ashen. Burned and peeling, layer by layer until diaphanous like the wings on a fly.
They are bone and cinder, clean.
How does one mend a heart which burns without flight from the inside out?
I learned the hard way, the way of the Nothing.
From nothing comes pure creation, from nothing one is apotheosized, from nothing one becomes the created and the Creator.
With creation comes pain and pain makes me real, pain is acceptance, it is mine and I am home.
Please understand, the way of nothing is not for everyone, I can only be who I am, I have tried to be other and it is not sustainable.
Am I too dark? Needy? Wait, intense that’s a good one.
Yes, I am… and the ones who willingly hand me their darkness unsolicited? I see you. I am blamed for your projections, I am blamed, so often, for their origin.
I SEE YOU
What if I could take your darkness? What if I could draw it out and show it to you with love?
What if I would?
Would you accept?
Would you allow the Catherine wheel of life break you over and over until, what?
I can smell your shadows a mile away, rolling in waves of various colors; sorrow, shame, regret, an inner violence that you keep hidden behind the persona, your caricature.
If you are reading this, we, you and I, are not so different, I think.
“love yourself” sure! So easily expressed in words.
I love myself, at times, of course I do. But do I believe in myself? That depends. It depends on what I’m doing. I believe I am here to help, I know this to the bones, and yet being vulnerable to the masses is not possible for me.
I am a Shadowmancer, it is a gift and a curse depending on how I wield it.
To put myself in the line of all those people just needing someone to blame for their insecurities? NO.
I will, however, take them one at a time…
When I can show up for someone, draw them out, and show them freedom?
That brings the color back to my cheeks, turning shame into powerful vulnerability.
It is not only pain that makes me real, It is being in service to the ones who would see. To be of service to others in pain, to help them see the way through, that brings me life, that takes me home.
If I can show others the way through, I too am seen.
The relationship is symbiotic, and that is the true gift.
Artist credit: Chiara Bautista